Its easy to underestimate the power of hope in a relationship. A sense of hopelessness keeps women in a bad relationship long after they should have left. With the help of their partners carefully chosen words, they know that the future without him holds nothing for them. (After all, hes said that a future without him holds nothing often enough.) Isnt it amazing the way we confuse conviction with authority? Hes so convinced that your future without him is hopeless, that you believe it. Not that hes ever had any particular talent for foreseeing the future but, hey, as you lose your own sense of certainty his becomes more and more powerful. So heres the thing: women in an abusive relationship dont lose all hope, they just invest it in the wrong place. They invest it in the pipedream of the relationship finally blossoming. And with every disappointment, they learn once again that hope is futile. Actually, hope is one of the great motivators. Its only misplaced hope that is futile. One reader wrote this week asking: How do I find the strength to leave? If you have no hope in what lies ahead, its almost impossible to find that strength. Its all a question of focus. There is definitely a rock bottom. As long is you remain in the relationship it is a movable bottom. An abusive partner has a talent for lowering it time and time again. You lose the energy even to dream. Of course it takes strength to leave. But never underestimate the strength it requires to stay. Its like being a boxer constantly knocked to the ground by a more powerful opponent, only to struggle up to standing to get knocked down again. The torment you know feels less intimidating than the torment you dont. Thats just the way youve been programmed to think. Once you drag yourself out of the relationship, your strength starts to return or, more correctly, you start to become aware of it. Self-respect and self-reliance will follow in its wake. So will dreams and hope. It doesnt happen overnight. But youve been through worse and the journey becomes more and more rewarding. (C) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
